The Most Memorable VHS Openings from my Childhood

The opening of a VHS, that being the pre-movie sequence of previews, ads, and production company logos, is a bit of a lost art.  Sure, today's blu-rays and DVDs still have some of these, but they just don't feel the same.  When I was a kid I would watch the openings of my favorite movies over and over, never reaching for that fast forward button, because it almost felt like they were a part of the movie.  They were definitely part of the experience.  Today, if I rent a blu from a Redbox or something and the few generic trailers thrown on there can't be skipped, I get annoyed.  I know it most likely comes down to nostalgia but I don't think many would argue that they were just more fun back in the day.  I've thrown together a list of my three absolute favorites from when I was but a youngin.  The list isn't too varied (though I might do some more at a later date) but these are the tapes that I watched almost constantly when I was a kid so these are completely burned into my memory.

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

"They point to the sky and I look up above, and a baseball falls into my glove!"  There's not much to this one but it still ruled.  All it is is a Pizza Hut commercial but I'll never forget this song so it was pretty good marketing on their behalf.  I probably related to the kid standing out in the middle of the field not paying attention too because I never was too into sports but I would totally be down with catching a ball and then getting a primo pizza party with everybody thinking that I rule.  Funny to see Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks in an early role as the kid who stands behind the plate before moving on to being the kid who stands in front of the net.  I did always think, even as a kid, that it was weird that Pizza Hut has an ad at the beginning of the tape but probably less than ten minutes into the movie the Turtles order Domino's.  Apparently this was because Pizza Hut was hesitant to be associated with the independent production of the film but after the huge success of the film they wanted to get their name involved somehow.  The opening then moves to the always fan favorite FBI warning and then to the F.H.E. production logo which I have seen so many times not only from this tape but every Ninja Turtles cartoon tape too. 

2. Batman (1989)

Though I truly love the original TMNT movie (and think the movie coming up next is a fun guilty pleasure), Batman '89 is my favorite film on this list and one of my favorites of all time.  That being the case, it's really hard to guess how many times I've seen this opening but I can assure you it is a lot.  Right out of the gate we see the Batmobile afterburner and then cut to Stately Wayne Manor where Alfred is making a phone call about needing to pick up some Diet Coke.  He tells the person on the other end that the guy coming to pick it up will be in quite a rush.  This is interspersed with shots of Keaton as (the best) Batman speeding around in the batmobile.  He is apparently successful at getting Alfred some Coke because the ad ends with Alfred taking him a big ol' sip while the awesome "Just for the taste of it..." jingle plays and a shot of the old school Diet Coke can wearing a Bat cape is shown.  Rules.  The tape then shows a Warner Bros. logo making you think the movie is about to start but hold on.  Daffy Duck is interrupting the proceedings to make sure you've got everything you need to watch a movie.  The list is:  Popcorn, a soft drink, and a Warner Bros. Ball Cap.  Don't got that last one?  Well, Daffy and Bugs Bunny are here to tell ya that you can order a WB catalogue and order all kinds of cool merch.  All you have to do is call a 900 number that charges you $1.50 a minute.  Chargin' people to order catalogues so they can order more stuff from you?  Come on Warner Bros.  Since the catalogue they show is a just a plain black book with a Batman symbol on it I felt that I must have it.  I spent years wanting it before finally getting permission to call and request one only to find out that the number hadn't worked for some time (I assume now that my parents probably saw the text that said the offer ended in '91 that I had ignored).  I don't know if it charged them for the call or not.  That's it for this tape though, two ads, no trailers.

1.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)

Now this one has  a lot more going on.  After the New Line logo (which I've always loved from some reason, I guess because I saw it at the beginning of so many movies that I thought ruled) and the FBI warning we get a notification that tape is protected by something called Macrovision.  Though I can't really remember seeing this notification on any other tapes it was apparently a pretty common way that studios tried to keep people from copying tapes from one VCR to another, kinda cool I guess.  RCA's home video logo is next and then into the good stuff.  First up...The Burger King Kids Club.  I never really knew what this was but I always thought the ads were awesome.  Was it actually a club or just what they called their Happy Meals?  If it was a legit club I'm bummed that I was never a member.  You've got an ultra diverse (both genders, multiple ethnicities, and a disabled kid) cartoon crew of kids that serve up a meal just for you.  What's not to love when you're six years old.  Up next comes a trailer for the ages: Suburban Commando.  You've got Hulk Hogan!  You've got Christopher Lloyd!  You've got...Shelly Duvall...I guess.  This trailer has so many memorable lines:  "I said TAKE A SEAT!", "I was frozen today!", and the immortal "This is the '90s...we're gonna sue ya.".  Add in Hogan biting the dust on a skateboard and I was sold.  Finally we get to a trailer for a movie called "Step Kids".  It was a comedy about a huge family connected by several marriages.  I always wanted to see this movie because my young mind figured that any movie even remotely connected to the Turtles had to be awesome.  Problem was, I couldn't ever find it.  I would look in video stores all the time for a movie called Step Kids but to no avail.  My young and stupid mind eventually misunderstood the tag at the end of the trailer that said "Coming 'Relatively' Soon to a Theatre Near You" to mean that it hadn't been finished and assumed maybe it never got released.  I was pretty bad at picking up puns back in the day.  The reason that I was never able to find this movie?  They changed the name before it was released.  Step Kids became Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even.  It's possible that I even saw this movie on the shelf while looking for its other name and just looked right past it.  I've still never seen it.

Hope you enjoyed hearing my thoughts on these.  Let me know what your favorites were over on the FACEBOOK PAGE. - TG